Re: Random Joke Thread

[Alexmc]

Okay i'll start!!!

In this life I'm a woman.

In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

Yup... gonna be a bear.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman woke up one morning to find a ferocious-looking gorilla in a tree on her African plantation. She quickly phoned the local game warden, who arrived minutes later. In one hand he held a shotgun, and in the other the leash of a fierce Doberman pinscher. As they walked to the tree, the warden explained, "What's going to happen is that I go up the tree, throw the gorilla out, and the dog clamps his teeth on the gorilla's balls." The woman nodded and was surprised when he handed her the gun. "You know how to use this?" he asked. "I do," she said, "but what's it for?" The warden replied, "Well ..... sometimes the gorillas are pretty tough and throw me out of the tree. If that happens, I want you to do one thing." "Shoot the gorilla?" "No," he answered, "the dog."


:) lol

[Alexmc]

[center:1hx9r2a3]Peter Kay's Universal Truths[/center:1hx9r2a3]


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad

:flirt2:

[Alexmc]

[center:1rwrdox5]Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,

Everybody felt shitty even the mouse.
With Mom at the ***** house,

And dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down for a nice piece of ass!

When out on the lawn I hear such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece to see what was the matter!

When out on the lawn I saw a big ****,
I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment the ****** had fell!

He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber **** for my brother, the *****.

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch blew the chimney apart!

He swore and he cursed as he rode out of sight,
Piss on you all and have a Hell of a night![/center:1rwrdox5]

:party2:

[xDCx]

Here's one for ya,

A guy walked into a bar. He went up to the bartender and said, "I wanna make a bet, Ill buy a round of shot's for the whole bar if i lose this bet". But everyone in the bar has to buy me shot's if i win. The bartender said, "okay what's the bet?" The guy said, I bet that you can blindfold me, take me out and find the fist dead animal you see, I can tell you what kind of animal it is by feeling it's teeth, and i can tell you what kind of gun was used to shoot it. The bartender said, "No way,I gotta see this". And everyone else agreed to it also. So they blindfolded him and took him out and went to the first dead animal they saw. The guy got down and felt its teeth. Its a Coyote, He felt the hole in its side and said, "It was shot with a 48 caliber. Everyone stood there in amazement. But he was right. So they took him back to the bar and they all bought him shots. The bartender said, I gotta see it again. So they made another bet. They took him out again to the next dead animal they could find. And again he got down and felt its teeth. Its a Elk, he said. So then once again he felt the hole in its side and said, " It was shot with a 300 mag." Well they couldnt believe it but he was right again. So they took him back to the bar and bought him another round of shots. Well the next morning he woke up, went to the bathroom and saw in the mirror and noticed he had a black eye. Then he went down stairs to the kitchen to meet his wife who was drinking her coffee. He said wow honey, I know I got pretty wasted last night but i dont remember ever getting into any fights. She said, " You son of a bitch. You came home, crawled in bed and put your hand down my pants and said, " Skunk, killed with an axe. :roflmao:

[Mr GRiM]

:roflmao: good one xDCx

[Alexmc]

:roflmao: nice!!

[edrik]

I got one :p

IN HELL:

Man 1: So.. tell me.. how did you die?
Man 2: I died from cardiac arrest... I caught my wife making love with another man inside my house, the man he was making love with jumped out of the window. How about you?
Man 1: I jumped from your window... I did'nt know it was that high

[opalo153]

I dont get DC's one? is it supposed to mean shes smelly,

[Mr GRiM]

I dont get DC's one? is it supposed to mean shes smelly,

lol don't work about it Opalo, your a bit young for that one.

[Alexmc]

I got one :p

IN HELL:

Man 1: So.. tell me.. how did you die?
Man 2: I died from cardiac arrest... I caught my wife making love with another man inside my house, the man he was making love with jumped out of the window. How about you?
Man 1: I jumped from your window... I did'nt know it was that high


lol thats just sods law! :roflmao:

[alienfear]

WHEN S.H.I.T.S GITS THE FLOOR......
I was busy doing office work when I felt an uncontrollable grumbling in my stomach. I was starting to feel goosebumps on my skin and sweated terribly, so I rushed to the comfort room. Fortunately, the coast was clear. I unbuckled my trousers, sat comfortably on the crapper and let it out. Relief was instant. But when I was about to complete my number 2 duties, the damn fire alarm broke at the most unfortunate time. Scared shitless of being roasted alive in the loo, I promptly stood up without bothering to flush and wash my bum, pulled up my pants and ran the hell out of the building, even leaving dribbles of shit behind me. Imagine my dismay when the admin officer declared that all the commotion was the fault of a stupid kid, who toyed with the alarm system. :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[edrik]

did this really happen to you? damn... XD

[dareckibmw]

Blonde: what does STFU mean?
Brunette: Shut The F*ck Up.
Blonde: geez i was only asking... :/

lol

[GenePool]

1. Whats the definition of self destruction : A leper having a epileptic fit !!!


2. Whats the difference between genius and stupidity : genius has limits !!


3. Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors HAVE NEVER BEEN VISITED.

[Kino]

lmao XD